"Meet Achmed the Dead Terrorist" | Spark of Insanity | JEFF DUNHAM

- [Jeff] Good evening Achmed.

- [Achmed] Good evening...

infidel.

- So you're a terrorist.

- Yes.

I am a terrorist.

- What kind of terrorist?

- A terrifying...

Terrorist. (crowd laughs)

Are you scared?

- Not really, no.

(growls)

- And now?

- Not really, no.

(screams)

- How about now?

- No.

- Goddammit.

(crowd laughs and applauds)

Oh. Oh.

I mean- Allah dammit.

(crowd laughs)

Silence!

I kill you!

(crowd laughs)

- So, Achmed-

- No, no. It's Achmed.

- That's what I said.

- No. You said "Achney". It's Achmed.

Silence!

I kill you!

(crowd laughs)

- How do you spell it?

- What?

- How do you spell your name?

- Obviously an A...

C...

flem...

(crowd applause)

Silence!

I kill you!

(crowd laughs)

- So Achmed, if you're a terrorist

I would suppose you have some sort of specialty.

- Yes. I am a suicide bomber.

- Ah!

So you're finished.

- What?

- You've done your job.

- No, I haven't.

- But you're dead.

- No, I'm not.

I feel fine.

- But you're all bone.

- It's a flesh wound.

(crowd laughs)

Silence! I kill you!

(crowd continues laughing)

What the hell happened to my feet?!

Son of a bitch!

What the hell?!

Oh, wait a minute. What the hell?!

What are you doing?!

What the- stop it! What are you doing?!

Stop touching me!

(crowd laughs)

I kill you!

- All right. Just hold on. We'll fix this.

- Okay. Wait, what are you doing!?

Holy crap, I'm in the air.

Wait, wait.

Wait, something is backwards.

Holy crap (mumbles)

I need some ligaments!

- Just sit still.

- Okay.

I will not move my ass.

- [Walter] You idiot. You don't have an ass.

(crowd bursts into laughter and cheer)

- [Achmed] Is that Walter?

- [Jeff] Yeah.

- He scares the crap out of me.

Please do not put me back in the same suitcase!

- Why?

- He has gas!

(crowd laughs)

Sedan's mustard gas was nothing

compared to a Walter fart!

(Walter laughs)

(crowd bursts into applause)

It's not funny!

He will kill us! (crowd laughs)

- All right listen Achmed, I have something to tell you.

- What?

- You really are dead.

- Are you sure?

- Yes.

- I just got my flu shot. (crowd laughs)

- You really are dead.

- Wait. If I'm dead, that means I get my 72 virgins!

(crowd laughs)

Are you my virgins?

I hope not.

- Why?

- There's a bunch of ugly ass guys out there.

If this is paradise, I've been screwed!

- Well, did they say it would be only female virgins?

- Holy crap! (crowd applaud)