Jeff Dunham: Best of Achmed | Ultimate Comedy Compilation

Good evening, Achmed. Good evening,  infidel. So, you're a terrorist? Yes,  

I am a terrorist. What kind of  terrorist? A terrifying terrorist.

Are you scared? Not really. No.

And no, not really. No.

How about now? No. God damn it. Oh. Oh, I I  mean uh Allah. Damn it. Silence. I kill you.

So, uh, Akmed. No, no, is Aknes. That's what  I said. No, you said Ak is Achmed. Silence.

I kill you.

How do you spell it? What? How do you How do  you spell your name? Oh, let's see. A T flim.

So Achmed, if you're a terrorist, I would  suppose you have some sort of specialty. Yes,  

I am the suicide bomber. Aha. So, you're finished.  What? You You've done your job. No, I haven't. But  

you you're dead. No, I'm not. I feel fine.  But you're all bone. It's a flesh wound.

Silence. I kill you.

What the hell happened to my feet?

Son of a [ __ ] What the hell? Oh,  wait a minute. What the hell? What  

are you doing? What the [ __ ] What the  What are you doing? Stop touching me.

I kill you. All right. Just hold on. We'll  fix this. Okay. Wait. What are you doing?  

Holy crap. I'm in the air. Wait. Wait. Wait.  Something is backwards. Holy crap. I need some  

ligaments. Just sit still. Okay. I will not  move my ass. You idiot. You don't have an ass.

Is that water? Yes. He scares the crap out of me.

Please do not put me back in the  same suitcase. Why? He has gas.

Saddam's mustard gas is nothing  compared to a Walter fart.

It's not funny. He will kill us.  All right, listen. Uh, Aquamade,  

I have something to tell you. What? You You  really are dead. Are you sure? Yes. I just  

got my flu shot. You really are dead. Wait,  if I'm dead, that means I get my 72 virgins.

Are you my virgins? I hope not. Why?  There's a bunch of ugly ass guys out there.

If this is paradise, I've been screwed. Well,  

did they say it would be only  female virgins? Holy crap.

Wait, I could have clay a

I told a joke. So, uh, what exactly happened to  you? Huh? What happened? Oh, if you must know,  

I am a horrible suicide bomber. What  happened? I had a premature detonation.  

I set the timer for 30 minutes, but it went off  in 4 seconds. You know what that's like, right?

Mr. Hurricane,

you did all this for a bunch of virgins? Are  you kidding me? I'd kill you for a Klondike bar.

So, I guess you're Muslim. I don't  think so. You're not Muslim? No.  

Why? Look on my ass. It says made in China.

Walter says I'm just a  stinking Halloween decoration.

So, do you like being in DC? I think some  idiots must live here. Why? For example,  

the Washington Monument. Yes.  It looks nothing like the guy.

It looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton.

What do you think of Bush? Oh, I love Oh,  

you mean the president? I'm sorry. And  that's our plan. The dead terrorist area.

Do you send spam? You idiot. No pork. Oh, that  one is for all my Jewish friends out there. Yay.  

Have you spread any viruses? Well, before the  explosion, I had a little itch, but it went away.

If you're a cyber terrorist, who's your  biggest enemy now? The CIA, the FBI, Siri?

I asked her to search the web for booby traps, and  she said, "I found a number of Hooters near you."

Siri did that. Yes. And then I asked her how  to get into the White House and she said lower  

taxes and do something about illegal immigration.  Thanks, Edge. So, I understand you flew in today.  

Yes. On a commercial airline? Yes. No problems?  Like what? You you know with the TSA the X-ray  

machine? You idiot. For you it's an X-ray. For  me, it's a selfie. So, if you're going to be a  

cyber terrorist, do you have a new catchphrase  besides I kill you? Oh, yes. This is a good  

one. It's going to scare the crap out of you. I  click you. Why are they laughing? Because cyber  

terrorists makes you sound like a nerd. Being  a cyber terrorist is not easy. It takes balls.  

Not real ones. What are you looking at, you  pervert? The hell? Yes, they're gone. I lost  

them in the explosion. Bye-bye balls. Thought  I found them again. Yeah, balls don't bounce.

There they are.

And And you kept them. Dude, you don't just throw  away your own nuts. How the hell would that work?  

Hello, Salvation Army. Have I got something for  you? And what'd you do with them? Well, I didn't  

make a keychain or something like that. or hide it  under my pillow and wait there at the ball fairy.  

Wait, is there such a thing? How much could I get  from the ball fairy? It's a matching set in the  

original rapper. Oh, man. Oh, okay. Don't ask me  how I carry them. I have a ball boy. All right.

You don't have them with you. No, no.  Oh, they're at home in my junk drawer.

But do not worry, I'll never blow up  anything if I don't have my lucky charm,  

which I lost. You had a lucky charm? Yeah.  What was it? I had a little camel's toe.

The hell are they laughing at?  What? I had a little camel toe.  

You used to look at it all the time. I'm  not kidding. He would rub it for good luck.

Seriously, can we sell little fake ones online?  A's lucky camel makes a great stocking stuffer.

You think India thought he saw that?

Can you put it back? I think. I don't know  what's wrong. Just put it there. You are so cute.

All right. I think it's good. Is  it okay? Sorry. Don't touch my leg.  

It's not funny. Don't touch  it. I can do this myself. No,

it's not funny. Stop laughing. Stop laughing  at me. This is not funny at all. This is all  

your fault. I kill you again. What?  I can do this. Don't touch my leg.

I still got it.

After we booked this show, we were  contacted by the Malaysian Ministry  

of Arts and History and Culture, and they asked me  

very nicely and sternly to not bring a  certain character to the show tonight.

They even said, "Please do not even mention  his name, but I know that you people are  

here because you've seen stuff on YouTube and  you're expecting to see a certain someone."

However, I want to respect the  requests cuz I'm a guest here,  

but at the same time, you paid your money to  see what you thought you were going to see.  

That certain person is not  here. However, his brother

is here. He is from France.

Please help me welcome  Jacques the French terrorist.

Mo and pig. So you are French. We we se  uhhuh and your name is Jacques. We Jonath

and And what is your last name? Nerd.

I do not understand what they are laughing  it. I think marriage is translated into uh

I am Jack [ __ ] Well, despite your name, you  seem like a nice guy. You don't know jack [ __ ]

Wait, is that is not funny?  They're laughing. I kill you.

So, you're happy to be here. No. Why is that?  Where are we exactly? Do not sit on my face,  

you ugly American. Where are we  exactly? Koala Lumpur. Are we

Malaysia? The weather here is [ __ ]

Where I am from, the weather is  up. Morning is up. Afternoon and  

evening is up. I don't think the weather  in France is always hot. Do not question.

It's not always hot in France. No [ __ ] Okay.

Let's just say for the sake of the joke  for is always up like a desert up. Yes,  

you've been there before.  Yes, there are pyades sand.

What was that? I'm no French. So explain what  you do for a living. I am a France terrorist. A  

French terrorist. Wee wee. So you strongly agree.  No, I have to go. Wee wee. This is not funny.

I thought French was known as the language  of love. Wee wee. I love to bl sheep.

Let me get something straight. You're the brother  of the other guy who was supposed to be here.

Do not say his name or we are both in giant prael.

Those guys are here.

Dear Akmed, what is your favorite Malaysian food?

East has been nice knowing you.

Dear terrorist, that's not what you said  the first time. When the show is done, run.

Someone named Spring. Dear terrorist, if you were  given the chance again to be human, would you?  

I am not human. Not anymore. No. Do you  know what that makes you? A politician.

But the ministry is a lovely group  of people. You guys have been just  

awesome. Thanks, KL. We'll see you. Good night.

So, Abeda, are you enjoying Richmond? Oh, I  love the night life here. Uh, what part of the  

night life? They have live sex shows. Really?  Where? In the hotel room right next to mine.

What? That's my room.

Next time you should get a partner.

Can we talk about something else? I'm trying  to throw up, but I don't have a stomach.

P P.

How am I doing that with no lips?

That's what she said.

I can't believe you did  that. That's what she said.

Will you stop it? That's what she said.  I don't like this. That's what she said.

How long is this?

You do seem like you've been in a pretty good  mood lately. Do you know why? No. Because like  

Santa Claus, I had been making a list of people  to kill twice. Santa doesn't kill people. He does  

with these terror claws. Terror calls. I' never  heard of them. He kills you when you're sleeping.  

He chokes you when you wake. He knows if you are  Catholic or Jew, so denounce your infidelity.

So, Akmed, did your parents have much  to do with what you do now? Well, uh,  

I guess so. My father was a suicide bomber. Oh,  so you guys are a lot alike. Well, I have his eyes

in a box. And I like to hide them wherever  Walter is sleeping. That way when he wakes up,  

it scares the crap out of him. Son of  a [ __ ] I'll kick your ass right now.

Is that case locked from the outside? Yeah.  Why? Cuz he still scares the crap out of me.

It's your son, Akmed Jr. AJ.

Wait, I thought you were dead. Surprise. This  is great. Hey, what happened to your face? Oh,  

yeah. My bad. Ammed. He's your son. Look at  him. What do you see? Well, he does have my eye.

Actually, I do. Yes, I do. Why  do you sound like Elton John? We  

were separated after the accident. He was  raised in England. Did my mom miss me? Uh,  

yeah. I don't know. What the  hell? How do you not know? Oops.

What's wrong with your leg? Nothing. What's wrong  with my leg? I don't know. Can you fix this? No.

Damn it.

Don't look at me. All right. Maybe  get Marell to help us. What? Marell  

he worked for. I know. Marell, come fix my leg.

Hey,

he's kind of cute.

Okay, and moving on. Wait a minute. How do you  not know who his mother is? I had 46 wives,  

you idiot. They all dressed the same  and their faces were colored. How'd  

you tell them apart? The numbers on their backs.

That's terrible. I know. Mother's Day is  a [ __ ] And so are most of the mothers.  

That's not funny at all. A tall? Who is a tall?  Was she your mother? I don't remember a woman who  

was all bulgeyed like you. Bulgey. But look  at him. Well, you're not exactly squinting.

At least my face is balanced.  You managed to look asleep and  

terrified all at the same time. A he's  your son. Well, the apple doesn't fall  

far from the tree. And apparently this  one got run over by a [ __ ] lawnmower.

You caused the accident. Accident? It  was a huge explosion with great fire and  

destruction. You didn't mean for it to happen.  I did, too. You did not. Lit. Oh, [ __ ] Lau.

Son of a [ __ ] Are you talking to me now?

Fix it right or I kick your ass. Lel come  back. My iron is stuck in my pelvis. You [ __ ]

He can fix my pelvis anytime.

Shut up. Okay, look. Okay, look. So, the explosion  you were talking about, how did it happen? Very  

precise and careful planning. Not exactly. I  said, "Shut up." What happened? Nothing. He  

was putting gasoline in his scooter. So, why was  there an explosion? [ __ ] happens. He was using  

his cell phone. Really? What? While putting gas  in your scooter? You know that's dangerous. Well,  

it was your mother who called. Really? I don't  know. What was her name? 42. And you guys haven't